Journaling Through Psalm 13

I feel compelled to share my journal entry for today.  Maybe it is only so I can look back and remember.  Maybe it is for you, dear reader. The parentheses are my words.

Psalm 13

For the director of music. A psalm of David.

1 How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

(Lord, sometimes it feels this way! In my mind I know this is not at all true.  But Lord, in my heart I feel so separated from you.)

2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

(How long indeed?  I wrestle with thoughts of not being good enough, not feeling chosen or holy or loved by you, Lord.  I wrestle with your commands to not fear and to cease striving.  The lies are my enemies, how long will they continue to badger me?)

3 Look on me and answer, Lord my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,

(Lord, I know you are faithful and steadfast.  You are my refuge and my protector.  You desire a relationship with me, and you are always with me.  Give light to my eyes, let me see a glimpse of you in the midst of my wrestling.) 

4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”

and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

(Father God, suffering takes time and it feels as if my enemy has raised the fist of triumph.  I've been knocked down through illness, difficult relationships, grief over losing a loved one, the struggles of being a parent and even the struggle of being content through the everyday mundane of a stay-at-home mom.)

5 But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

(The army crawl through these struggles is slow, but with each movement forward, growth is slowly occurring.  Lord, you want to hear my genuine feelings.  So I have to say, it makes me angry and confused.  Sad and broken.  But, I do trust in your unfailing love even when I don't understand my circumstances.  Even though I can't see how any of this is good.  I have hope and I have prayer.  Teach me to pray and increase my faith.)

6 I will sing the Lord’s praise,

for he has been good to me.

(The harder the journey, the greater the joy.  I will sing your praises all the more, Lord.  In Jesus name, Amen.)