A Letter to Dad

Hey Dad,

Today especially I'm thinking of you and missing you. It was 7 years ago that you died. A lot has happened since then. Mom has moved and continues to face new challenges (good and bad) that come with being widowed. I went to Africa on a mission trip. Kelly has had two girls since you've been gone. Kaycee is her youngest and is a leap year baby. Yep, born on February 29th. That's the way Kelly rolls. Ryan also had a little girl, Hannah. She is growing so fast! I know you'd have their names written on that little laminated card you kept in your wallet of all your grandkids birthdays.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it. The month of March is a hard one for me. The way the sun comes in the windows. The odd 50 degree days sandwiched in between snowy days. The birds, oh the birds that remind me so much of you. I remember one of the last conversations we had was about the goldfinches and the fact that I thought they were beginning to yellow-up and you weren't too sure. Well, I have to say, I was right. In fact, they are singing at the feeders outside as I type this and they are definitely brighter in March.

However, I'm not writing to tell you how hard it is. This girl's heart could have become very hard in the process of grieving. And if I'm putting all my cards on the table, my heart did become hardened for a time. But, I want to tell you that I have seen good things come because of your passing.

I have a deeper faith because God is the only one I could cling to that was trustworthy and steadfast and safe. It wasn't the self-help books and it certainly wasn't the alcohol.

I have a more complex compassion for others in all situations but especially when we share the burden of loss. My heart genuinely aches for those who lose loved ones and my prayers for them are not small.

I am a better encourager. You were my biggest champion when it came to homeschooling and I miss our talks. However, having lost your encouragement in that area, I realized that it's very important to encourage others in whatever season they find themselves in.

Being the one left behind is not fun and the grief still rolls over me.  However, I have the gift of hindsight.  I also have assurance that we will one day be reunited through the sacrifice that Jesus made on the cross. That is the best gift that you (and mom and God) have given me.

Grief is such a multifaceted process and when I originally posted these words....

"Jerry also says that if you let it, your sorrow will increase your capacity to live well, to love life, and to experience joy, not after the darkness but even in the midst of it."

… I had no idea how true they were.  There is a silver lining to every dark cloud.  There is a quiet beauty in the falling snow and there is a little bit of sunshine peeking through the goldfinch's winter feathers.  Give a high five to God for a work well done (and not even yet complete).  Miss you terribly!  See you again in heaven someday.

Love,

Kim